I think it’s pretty earth-shakingly awesome that my God can hold the water of every gulf, sea, and ocean in the palm of His hand. Today, a few drops of that salty water–well, drops in comparison to whole seas–pushed me around and let me bob along powerlessly along their edges.
More than once, I felt the power of eight to ten foot breakers on South Padre Island’s seashore. More than once, thinking I’d be able to ride a particular swell, I found myself folded under tons of water that turned over before I thought it would.
It was a day of relaxation (read: tremendous energy expenditure) after a week of holding Vacation Bible School services for the children in Matamoros. I’ll miss those kids. Yesterday evening a girl, probably 11 or 12, asked me if I have any niños. I told her no, and she said she would like to be my hija. Then she wrapped her skinny arms around her waist and gave me a legit hug. None of that “I’ll-just-touch-your-shoulders” fake hug-ness they do in South Carolina.
We prayed as a group tonight after watching a Dispatches from the Front video on Micronesia. We prayed about missions. Tears came to my eyes out of nowhere, along with a mental instant-replay of all the things I know to be true that I’ve been reminded of in the past few short days.
How great God is! How blessed we are–but how comfortable we tend to get in our cushy Christian community bubbles! I prayed aloud that the Lord would keep us from getting too comfortable to do whatever He wants us to do. That He would teach us how to reach out to hurting people. To remind us that we’ve got to hold on to His promises, His strength. And my voice cracked, because even as I was praying, it hit me in a very un-ignorable way how very inadequate I am.
Because I even have the opportunity to go on this seemingly canned missions experience that at times seems more for my benefit than for the missionaries and children we’re working with. I feel like I’m being given so much more than I’m putting out. Because even during my prayer this evening, I was pridefully trying to choose the right words so I’d sound thoughtful and sold-out for the Lord. What a joke! It reminded me of Paul’s statement in Romans:
For that which I do I allow not: for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I… For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me, but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would I do not; but the evil which I would not, that I do.
Inadequate? There aren’t words to describe how completely inadequate I am to be a recipient of Christ’s grace. But He handled that (Romans 8). I am resolved to go or stay wherever He wants, for His glory. By His grace, I’m resolved to hang onto His promises with all that I’ve got–living life like a game of sand volleyball, like I’m going to dive for that pelota no matter how unlikely it looks or how much micro-glass is going to end up in my eyes as a result.
All in. Ready for anything.